Step One - We Need to Talk

Lyrics from The Fray's, "How to Save a Life"


Step one, you say, "We need to talk"
He walks, you say, "Sit dow, it's just a talk"
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through


Some sort of window to your right
As he got left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame 
You begin to wonder why you came


Where did I go wrong?  I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up all night
Had I know how to save a life


Let him know that you know best
'Cause after all, you do know best
try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence


Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you


And where did I go wrong?  I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I wold have stayed up with you all nigh
Had I known how to save a life


As he begins to raise his void
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed


He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came


Where did I go wrong?  I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life...

Relationships Begin and Relationships End

And sometimes relationships go on pause.  It's the Ross and Rachel "let's take a break" phenomenon when a couple reaches an impasse.  It's a he-said/she-said interpretation of events that can move us to that proverbial next level of relationship or close the door altogether so that we have to say, "next," as we pull up our big-girl pants.


Friends and families advise to cut bait and move on, but there is a kernel of hesitation.  It's not the hesitation borne out of "what if I'm wrong."  Rather, it's the type borne from, "yes, there are some red flags here AND there's all of this other awesome, great stuff."  If we can calmly sit down to communicate face-to-face about the issues, then doesn't all of it - the red flags and awesomeness -  warrant deeper exploration before giving up?  I'm sure my best friends are screaming NO as they read this considering the degree to which I lamented all weekend long.


So here we are.  Is this the Drama of Dating or the Drama of Relationship?  For sure the landscape is dotted with mercurial mood swings, conflict and the need to be right.


Friends say we date [rather than marry right away] to learn whether or not another is a true match.  Others note that four months ought to give people enough time to evaluate "true-match" potential.  Somewhere in that four-month gap dating evolves into a relationship.  If only Facebook statuses had not been updated to "in a relationship" before this last breakdown... dammit!  I may sometimes feel no older than a 22-year old, but I HATE when I publicly look like one.  And lately I fear that I look like one a lot.  No comments from the peanut gallery please... I am hard enough on myself without hearing it from well-meaning loved ones.


Whether or not it's a drama all can agree that a break is required.  Others may jones for their nicotine during this time.  I'll be curious to see if I can navigate this gap without jonzing (sp?) for attention from the opposite sex.  

It's Not Bad Behavior per se, just an Awkward Match

Knowing who we are takes time.  How much time?  When do know that we have arrived?  I have spent my life thus far trying to accommodate, bend and BE what I think others expect me to be.  It is exhausting to say the least and equally frustrating because what others expect can change from one moment to the next.  

To answer the question of WHEN, it comes in a moment.  It's standing on the receiving end of a communication from someone and realizing that what they're saying isn't about me at all.  It is purely about them as they utter unflattering sentiment about my so-called character "flaws."  

It comes over a matter of months, realizing that the carrot dangling before me will only ever be dangling and not eaten.  It's letting go of the attachment to position, title and advancement. 

It comes after years of thinking there is something to fix in myself so someone else will accept me only to learn this week that this person never ever ever wanted to be married or have kids and resents that he "allowed himself" to be talked into something he never really wanted.  Seriously?  I mean... I guess this isn't a huge surprise.  I acutely recall how resistant he was to the idea of anything conventional, but he did come around eventually, right?  Did he agree to convention just to make me happy?  


Perhaps this was the undercurrent of our relationship, running in the background all that time.  If someone still tells themselves "they never wanted a family," doesn't that create an awkwardness or a distance... an impenetrable barrier to relating? And to think I've been beating myself up feeling guilty for "throwing in the towel."  There was nothing to throw the towel in on I see now.  

They say knowing who we are takes time.  Trusted friends and advisors have uttered this epitaph over the decades and it seems I have finally caught up with it... not needing to hear it again just knowing I am here.