Connection, Desire... Self-esteem

It's a funny predicament for me, the person who was always the last one chosen for teams, squads, dances or anything, to be desired.  And maybe it's ridiculous to keep thinking that at this point too -- because I've been an adult a helluva lot longer than I was ever a kid or a teenager -- but those years seem to permanently ingrain labels such as Jock, Skater, Geek, Slut, Fag or Cheerleader in the annals of our personal histories.  

Ridiculous or not, overturning the labels can become a mission.  Standing on the receiving end of a half-dozen-plus requests for dates in the past six months is powerful.  Whether making out with the hot young man from San Francisco  or being pursued by the radio rep in Dallas, there is a sense:  Yes, I AM all that and a bag of chips!  Being told by the dying, 70-year-old millionaire in the plane seat next to me, "If I were 20 years younger and single I'd come after you hard..." more than just a ego trip, it's validating.  Everyone wants to be desired, independent of who you are or what your philosophical and psychological leanings are on the topic of self-esteem.

Along that line, people (females mostly) will lament, "you really do concern yourself far too much with the opinions of men."  Well HELLO!  To that I say:  you know what?  Maybe YOU don't want a man, maybe YOU don't want to be in a committed relationship with a man.  I for one do so YES, the man's opinion counts in my book.  And being desired reverses if not chips away at the stories I made up about myself a lifetime ago.

It's also why situations like the one with the douche bag from Dell are poignant (Played Part 5).  In my perception of the world - in MY reality - being pursued or asked out by him pulled me a dozen steps further away from that geek image I cultivated for myself.  Being discarded?  Two dozen steps back...oh, the ego.  Oh well.  As my good friend Laine says, "we have something to learn from everyone and everything in our path."  From him I can learn or get a "reality check."  Between us chicks, though, he served a higher purpose.  He categorically broke the attachment to someone else, so perhaps I should be thankful verses bitter???  Just a thought.

It can seem in a day that a particular path is wide open with possibility, the next?  Overgrown with weeds and disappointment.  Another friend, Naomi, says, "Just because u miss someone, doesn't mean u need them back.  Missing someone is just a part of moving on."  I've clamored to this in recent days to buoy myself up from the likelihood that things are over with R.  

I miss R.  Is that part of MY moving on?  No.  I feel that there is more yet to learn, perhaps for both of us.