Drama Queen Definitions

Here's the thing:  funny though it might sound, I know I'm selling myself short when I describe myself as a drama queen.  I sometimes qualify it with a dash of humor by saying I'm in recovery but regardless, it's self-deprecating. 

Most people consider a drama queen to be some version of a high-strung teenager, a Jewish American Princess (Shelia's words - not mine) or a desperate 30-something-year-old watching Bridget Jones for the 27th time.  None of these are the image I want for myself so I want to expand a bit on my January 10th entry and paint a bigger picture.

When the teleconference wrapped seven years ago I went right to work and cranked out a synopsis, chapter outline and marketing plan to promote my book, "Drama Queen's Guide to Dating."  I booked a flight to LA and spent two days pimping my book proposal with my good friend Melinda. 

If you ever want someone to walk beside you and sell your wares then Melinda is that person.  I was talking to yet another chick-lit publisher when I heard Melinda talking to a rep from Adam's Media Corporation.  "Have you heard of S.K. Karlsson?"  Her light, professional style engaged them immediately and I turned to make the close.  They liked my angle, they liked my proposal and they wanted to see my first draft. 

Maybe it was my own lack of clarity around what a drama queen was.  Maybe it was that my concept was born out of a moment of self-pity.  Maybe it was that I was trying to write a book to fit Adam's parameters for non-fiction.  Whatever the case, my writing was pedantic at best and the publisher eventually passed on the project.  

I started over, returning to my original idea and pounding out a rough draft within ten months.  I sent copies to my girlfriends, setting up a sort of focus-group where I'd throw a little happy hour in exchange for feedback.  They were kind, but something was missing.

Around the same time my then-boyfriend was tired of bearing the financial burden for our two-person family.  He asked me to contribute more to our household doing something... anything.  He wouldn't say the words, "return to Corporate America," but what else could I do?  Each creative project sat in a binder with rejection letters and exotic dancing was not my forte.  I swallowed my pride, updated my resume and returned to work within three months. 

Seven years later I make excellent money at a job that utilizes many of my quirky talents (excluding writing).  I'm fortunate because if I'm going to work in a corporate environment then I work in a place where it's like "peas and carrots." In other words, I like my job.  But as I said earlier this month, something is missing and I yearn for something more.  I yearn to be fully me, to not filter my words through the corporate machine nor supress the loudest expressions of my sexuality and twisted sense of humor.  My job may feel like a second skin, but only because I'm working incredibly hard to make up for lost time and money. 

On one hand it's frustrating to wake up seven years later with a balance in my account, but no Oscar or million dollar paycheck.  On the other hand, what I've found in the past six years is my voice.  Finding my voice took finding my audience and finding my audience took having children... it took having daughters. 

What is a drama queen?  Is it someone who's over reactive, addicted to their emotions because they cannot control them?  Is it something you can pen on an ethnic group as Shelia did in my focus group?  Is it a filter through which someone -- me -- sees the world?  Is a drama queen a victim who sees anyone who opposes her as a villain?  Is it a label found in the anals of DSM-IV?  Is it nothing more than a tension (or unity) of opposites that on its best day is the source of great fiction? 

Maybe for me, being a drama queen is living life in the fullest and loudest pursuit of consciousness.  It's being the type of woman my daughters might one day look up to and find inspiration as they navigate their own road to self-awareness.  If I succeed at one thing in life it will be that my daughters know themselves.  That they will not rely on others to define them and they will reach this place of acceptance earlier in their lives with me as their mother than they would have had they chosen otherwise.